


Matchmaker

by lalunaticscribe



Series: The 'Evil' Overlord Q'tie-Pie (All the fault of 007) [5]
Category: Despicable Me (Movies), James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond - All Media Types
Genre: BAMF!Minions, Crack, How is This not already in my life?, Humour, James and pyromania, M/M, Matchmaking, Minions as manipulative and BAMF, Minions with Attitude, Oblivious!Q
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-03
Updated: 2014-04-03
Packaged: 2018-01-18 01:17:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1409659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lalunaticscribe/pseuds/lalunaticscribe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or, the Minion’s Guide to Setting up Your Boss.</p><p>It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single supervillain in possession of financial stability must be in want of some form of maintenance.</p><p>However little known the views or feelings of such an individual, the truth is so well-known amongst all cadres of Minions, that from the start of a supervillain’s tenure the individual would meet a series of unique individuals from the fields of national intelligence, security and law enforcement, or other supervillains, through a series of neat coincidences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Matchmaker

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single supervillain in possession of financial stability must be in want of some form of maintenance.

However little known the views or feelings of such an individual, the truth is so well-known amongst all cadres of Minions, that from the start of a supervillain’s tenure the individual would meet a series of unique individuals from the fields of national intelligence, security and law enforcement, or other supervillains, through a series of neat coincidences.

Of course, love matches did exist – the infamous wedding of Dr Felonious Gru to an agent of the Anti-Villain League had made top billing of 2013 – but the schedules of supervillains generally made it that the only blind dates they got were limited to what was vetted by Minions.

“ _Blond_!” Peter heckled as Dave typed on the large mainframe set in Q’s throne room. He was not alone; the large screen was surrounded my Minions. “ _Maigre ou gros?_ ”

“ _Mejor que un bien parecido_ ,” Dave sputtered, waving a three-fingered hand that morphed into a fist as a photocopier rolled past. “ _Butt_!”

Stuart and Dave cackled before R punched his way to the screen and started typing. “ _Te vas de la manera equivocada, idiotas! Type?_ ”

“ _Rubio, grande, poco de un idiota_ ,” Dave stuck his tongue out, imitating a gun and then started a game of cops and robbers that pretty much communicated _blond, big, bit of an idiot_.

“ _Pero no demasiado, Boss no le gusta los retrasados_ _,_ ” R reproved. “ _Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Aliquam faucibus magna nec nunc volutpat tincidunt. Et un butt super._ ”

“ _Butt_!” the Minions roared in approval as R continued typing, rifling through a list of the world’s best of the war of good and evil to narrow it down to fairly tall blond men that were a bit o a dick and would at least serve as a stopgap measure while the Minions continued combing ranks in illegal and dubiously legal manners to find someone. At least this one went for men; that had to mean something.

“Mmm...” R brought up a profile of the half-Scot, half-Swiss British secret agent, hesitating.

“ _Doh_?” Dave gave the thumbs up, blatantly ignoring the body count listed. The thumb drooped to somewhere around the middle, pointing to the left instead.

Minions cheered as R set up a signal that took a cannon to fire up to the nearest illegal satellite... and blow up the Lair Previously Designated Evil in the process.

“ ** _R! Quit blowing up the lair!_** ” Q’s voice echoed throughout as he beheld the resulting mess in precisely five minutes after the signal had been fired. Minions scattered, leaving their unofficial leader to face the Boss’s wrath.

Mission accomplished, R looked down at the shiny shoes on his feet, not drawing attention to the satellite signals that were going to wreck a ship harmlessly and toss James Bond into their Boss’s path. “ _Pido_.”

* * *

Somehow, James Bond found the catalogue. He read through every scrawled comment – some of them in pink crayon, joy – and the shortlisted options. He memorised a few names, made a note to tell Double-Os One through Five to avoid the Pacific Ocean for a bit if they knew what was good for them, and ignored a few Minions discovering him finding the Catalogue.

As for why Q had yet to discover the Catalogue, it was not on any server, but printed.

“ _Curabitur purus dolor, cursus viverra tellus non!_ ” Minion #548 screamed as the files caught on fire.

An alarm went off, one of the walls caved in as Stuart and Kevin ran in with an axe, and R walked in with a siren and lights  attached to his head, yowling the siren. “ _Pee- Doo, Pee-Doo, Pee-Doo!!!!_ ”

“What got on fire?!” Q demanded, and there would have been an interrobang involved had the software for smooth transition of questioning exclamation been developed. Unfortunately, interrobangs were not to be wielded around Minions, who would develop destructive uses for punctuation.

“Nothing,” James grabbed the supervillain by the shoulders, bodily throwing him into a fireman carry and then walking towards the office Q had just vacated. “Let’s blow things up and have sex in the ashes like you’ve always wanted.”

“That was a hypothetical scenario, Double-O Seven, now put me down or I’ll- Mmm! Gaah!”

“Ow! Damn alley cat!”

“I’d gank your nuts, but I actually like them.”

James’s answer was drowned as R screamed in horror, beholding the ashes of the catalogue while Stuart and Kevin exchanged looks. Nodding in agreement, both of them drew machetes to start kicking their colleague and masking the rhythmic thumps that followed from the office, thankfully out of sight.

In the distance, a set of bagpipes followed.


End file.
